Doggie Walk

it's so hard to know what is the right thing to do for my sickness. Everyday is like a decision, if I should do this or that. I hope so much that with another hour maybe things will get better.

I hope that whenever I sleep, there will somehow be a miracle and I will wake up so much better.

I was at a crossroads about continuing my TCM meds. because the immediate after effect was that i was alot worse. But mum and sis told me I should go till the end. A few others said too...and only one said I should stop...Frankly, I want to stop too. But I completely lack confidence in any decision anymore. It hasn't done anything to help. Also, wanting to stop was out of fear that it would be worse and i'm poisioning myself.

Majority said i should continue on till I finish all my meds and if it doens't work, at least i can say that i tried. The rational side of me agreed. The emotional side of me is afraid of the effects. This also means I can't take killers.

My foot now feels warm, and it hurts in two places. Behind my heel and under the last toe. I can't bend my toes now. I've put it on my cooling boxers so that it won't feel warmer on the bed. I've put two hot plasters on it. Can't feel a thing. LOL. probably coz my foot is equally hot!

Waiting downstairs these days is tough. There's never a comfortable position. Once I go down, i prefer to stay down for as long as needed. One journey up is enough to declare and regret that I even went down in the first place.

Too bad the dining area has no aircon. But thank god these days the evenings are generally cooler. The dinner table is the central area. I can watch tv and am between the stairs and the kitchen. Sitting there can be miserable though because i have nothing to do, but I have no choice, but to wait there for sis to come back with dinner, then wait for my meds to boil. I tried reading but it's not distracting enough from the pain. I tried flipping through the discount phamplets they send to our home from, Giant, NTUC, Cold storage, the new orchard 313, Harvey Norman, Sony...just to see see the pictures. I have a strange habit of liking to do that. I never realised it till my sis pointed it out. I just kaypo I guess, nice to see the big or miserable discounts they offer.

But today I stopped. The brochures the past week was reminding me too much that I was missing the festive cheer just before christmas, when stores make that extra effort to do some decorations, lights, trees, different themes, ...and for me to scowl that this place stinged on the decor probably coz no $$ this year. Hahaha...and yes, just seeing different places offering X'mas sales. Even though I don't buy anything, it's just the overall atmosphere that everyone is 'in it'...no other time of the year, do you have such a feeling in SG.

So I sat there and tried to watch tv, that my horrible sis had half blocked my view (unintentionally) with her washed clothes and since i was alone at home. I had to make do with listening to the tv convo, and making out the tops of people's heads with the channel 5 logo on the side..hahaha..

No position made my foot feel better except one. Where I lay out my leg on the adjecent chair. But I get a butt pain and soon give up. I just want those dumb meds to boil fast...the hours are tormenting.

Prior to today, I think Red had no clue that I was really injured, even though I limped around. Because last week, without warning she nosed my bad foot roughly in a play mode and I yelled so loud, mum jumped out of her chair.She usually noses my hands and legs in stealth mode from behind when she wants to play with me. But she's a big dog...haiyo...really dunno her strength.

Today Red was cute though. Late into the night, when i was *ahem* waiting for those bloody meds, I was alone at the dining table watching tv. she was tied up for the night in the kitchen. I wanted her company so i disturbed her by calling her name. If she continued lying down, means she lazy. But after two calls she got up, wagged her tail and wanted to come.

Red is very wary of my crutches. She trusts me alittle more when i use them but you can see she's extra tense. But if they are propped at the wall, she walks past them with an eye on them, as though they would punce soon! hahaha...I think it was because last year, she played too near them and they fell and she scrambled away.

I had to use them to move towards her to release her. She was very tense. But stared at my movement. After I let her go, she actually waited for me to move aside before she dashed past me (narrow doorway). Very rare for the mad dog..hahaha...

After i sat back down, she settled next to me after a few pats. I put my bad foot against her body. I know it's madness. But there's a feeling of comfort to something furry and warm. That's when she smelled my plaster intently. I don't know what the smell told her. But she licked my foot lightly a few times, then placed her head lightly over it. Like protection. =)

Later as if to confirm she understood, I had to stand up and put my right knee on the stool, such that my foot stuck out behind me. I was doing something at the table. Instead of her mad nosing ways, she this time, licked my foot gently as she walked past. Thank god, because it really would be so painful!!! ahahahha... =)

Ok, that's alot of rambling. Hope to sleep.