good morning!

Really Thank God for a good investment in my home lappie years back, plus the internet. Else I think I'd have gone mad these past 3 days. I woke at 6am this morning, after having slept at 10pm...for ironically, boredom and tiredness.

I'm sadly still in a worse state and have only left my room 5 times the past two days to shower, pee and poo...hahaha...my dog must be wondering if i'm still alive, coz i haven't seen her...she must be very miserable, I hear she's tied up 24/7 by my sis now and I can't do anything to help her till she learns her lesson.

I move between my bed to watch and do stuff and then to my room chair, where I sit up to eat and to prop my feet on my bed to use my lappie (Just like what i'm doing now). So far I've succumbed to temptation and started devouring the latest season of criminal minds online that is posted weekly as it's shown in the US. so I'm at episode 6 of 8...then it'd be a drought. =(

In between, I found a site that loaded up all 5 seasons of Bones. Even thugh it's live streaming, its abit slow on the upload, so i leave the window on in the background, and wait till it's about 20mins into the show before i jump to the front again (so that the rest will load as I watch). Finished 2nd half of season 2 and am 4 episodes into season 3.

I try to move around in my room the best I can, just to give my bed some 'airing' time...Sis says there's a smell in my room..thanks hor..very helpful. How do i get the chance to air my room!?!

strangely with such brainless activity, I'm very tired every 3 hours, but force myself to stay up till an ok time to sleep. Otherwise, I'd experince my topsy turvy sleep times that took me 3 days to get back on track.

I need lego to play with...hahaha...no space at home though. I should making tons of stuff now, but really no mood. All I wanna do is get out of here.How ironic. when got more time, no mood. Think it's coz need to keep shifting postions. You just want it to go away.

I probably feel 2% of what prisoners feel in the confinement aspect..hahaha...

In the morning, baboon asked me what I was going to do that day. -__- ...

Ah then...

haiz..then my blooie is sitting out there with no one to bring it out to play...$30 per day. At least I save on fuel.

Anyway, moving on to happier things, I just changed my blog header and I taught Snoopy some singlish..hehehe..I liked this coz he looked so comfy and at peace.

Oh and sis finally bought her blackberry, brand new one from her office lor..a.t least she manage to get a 10% discount off hte phone..so $880 is not too bad for her lah, though people are selling 2 week old ones at $650 online..LOL..

New feet updates! I live my sheep and farm animal bedsheet.hahaha




I know I know...it's the only thing I'm taking with my cam these days..hahaha..nothing else to take mah...Hmm...maybe next round, I'd take a pic of my room eh..but it's an epic mess...think the movie 2012 in one bedroom..hahaha..it's gotten worse since i need everything within reach in the room. Will add..next post eh..

Pray i'll get better really really really soooooonnnn....

scared...

It felt like i slept for hours...i intended to sleep till morning coz i was so tired. but it turns out, to only be several hours. =( ...i also woke from a nightmare and in my last scene I was crying...crying very hard with gasping breath and feeling my heart hurt. That's when I reaslised that i was feeling and doing the same thing in real life, less the tears.

Scary....really scary...it's a very old nightmare...it feels like a movie and you're in it..the ending was bad becasue I was very close to a friend and she was murdered in the last scenes. Another friend I loved dearly hated me for her death. And so...I mourned and cried alone, but in the middle of a crowd who were all shocked by her death...then at the corner of the large hall, stands someone who is grinning at my pain with the most fiendish smile...he was not the murderer...but someone kinda like possessed by the devil...he was there...mocking me that there was nothing i could do...

Even as I'm awake now..my heart has a sinking feeling...am scared...=(

This dream feels quite familiar...even as i dreamt it earlier, I felt i had gone through this before. dejavu. I had even gone through the murder... Only there was a difference...I mourned and cried alone and the new feeling that there was really nothing I could do...

=( feels horrible...why lidat...how come have this kind of dream now...feels too real...

I want to sit on a roller coaster Now Now NOW!!! hahaha..=P

I want to run....

*ahem*...lesson time!

Some have been asking me about my footie problem and what it's all about. I read up online about it quite regularly, especially more when i'm trying to understand more about it so that i feel that 'at least what i'm going through is the norm', it's kinda like a sharing session for me.

Hee...so for the benefit of some..here's an intro of it that I pulled out from a gout website. (with extra silly commentray from me!

-- A kind of arthritis that “flares” periodically—so the pain of gout is experienced as an attack.
-- Attacks usually appear with no warning and leave sufferers in severe pain. In fact, gout is one of the most painful medical conditions. It's been compared with childbirth and bone fractures.
-- Usually last from 3 to 10 days and can cause knife-like pain, tenderness, redness, heat, and swelling in an affected joint.

-- The underlying cause is an excess of a waste product in your blood called uric acid. Many people have excess uric acid—and most of them do not get gout.

-- Painful gout attacks result from inflammation caused by deposits of needle-like crystals in connective tissue and/or in the fluid that cushions the joint. The crystals are made up of uric acid, a waste product produced during the natural breakdown of purines. Purines are part of all our body's cells as well as many foods we eat.

-- Uric acid is carried through the bloodstream to the kidneys. Your kidneys eliminate it from the body mostly through urine. However, if the body produces too much uric acid or if the kidneys don't eliminate enough of it, uric acid will build up in the blood.

-- No one can predict exactly when an attack might occur for someone with hyperuricemia. It may be triggered by something you eat or drink, or it may be triggered by certain medicines, the presence of an illness, stressful events, or some other factor. Many times it may be difficult to say what triggered a specific attack.

Gout Friendly Foods ---
Additional low-purine choices include carbonated beverages, (YAY!!! Can drink more Coca Cola...MUAHAHHA)...coffee, cereals, chocolate, (SLURPS!!) fruits, breads, grains, pasta, rice, olives, cheese, eggs, milk products, sugar, tomatoes, and some types of green vegetables.

-- Gout can progress, eventually causing damage to joints, nerve compression disorder, tissue damage, potentially leading to disability. Problems with kidney function may occur as well due to the over strained kidney.

D+6

It's been 7 days since my footie blues returned to haunt me. And I haven't stepped beyond my front gates since, except one time to meet ge to pass her some work stuff.

My sis said when i'm awake i'm like a monster....thundering and snorting as i move from place to place. Hahaha...it's actually quite true.

I'm just amazed how the body is able to sleep so much, or be in such a dazed state.

At about 6am, I wake up very hungry (this is another strange thing...)..I go loo, stagger downstairs to hug my dog, get food, eat meds and read the old papers for a while, before I fall asleep at the living room table. Someone wakes me up around lunch time...loo again..ranging from 1 to 2pm...and before long, i'm asleep again...sheesh...hahaha...

On the weekend, my sis resorted to putting post it notes on my bedside so that i will see them when I wake in between.

I'm most awake from 8 to 10pm, Just before my post dinner meds kick in and i'm zzzing in and out... Mum has nagged me several times for falling asleep in front of the comp...

If it weren't for online news, I'd have no clue what is happening in the world. =O

Mum says just as well, i don't move much, but she's amazed how hungry I am for the amount of time i'm asleep...LOL

In the day, the meds keep me drowsy enough that i dont' need the killers. But it doesn't work at night...

after midnite is a bad time...bad bad...it's like there's a clock in da footie that days it's night and time to party. =( so it's more pain than usual...and i squirm in bed a whole lot...just trying to find a comfy position...coz everyone is alseep, I go online and try to watch some vids or play some games, or write horrific blog posts on foot removal..hahaha..snack... just to distract myself...this works out till about 5am where either (a) I succumb to take the killers or (b) I zonk!

Stupid foot. *humph*

So here I am...negotiating a comfortable postion with my foot..by god i actually talk to my foot now! hahaha...

Today's post can go up...coz it's not so gruesome..hahaha... am very hyper now and feel mad..

Oooo...I just remembered...i took a photo of my feet yest! =)

The solo shot makes it look like a blob...hahaha

When I take with them side by side, the angle doesn't really show the puffiness...but if you look closely, u can see, my right ankle area is bloaty...and the top of my right foot is 'rounder'..such that my toes 'shrink in'...

Foot blues

Hello! Ok ok ...it's old news, many of you already know that my footie has acted up again since tuesday morning! So I'm just here to note it down on my blog so that i will have a record of when it last happened big time...haiz...as usual, i have no clue what's the actual cause of it...

But..I highly suspect it's this ginger drink my mum gave me the day before. very spicy! it's also supposed to be good for my gout.

In any case, I haven't been working the past few days because the meds are so strong...sometimes i dun even wanna wake up to eat. Until of course..my stomach gives a "that's final" signal to my brain..hahaha...then I'm zzzing again. I never reaslied that a person could zzz so much actually. And I know i'm not resting well.

I have called my bed my island, and i'm marooned on it..hahaha..=P

Anyway, am feeling alrite. Even though i know the mountain of work that awaits.=) But boss knows my condition well and doesn't want to stress me too much.

Can't wait to walk again. =)

This morning was so funny...i was high tide see...morning mah..need to go pee..but i woke too late..and i really needed to go...so i sprange up, bit my lips and made a dash for it! Ooooowwww...

I barely missed the loo bowl lor...kekeke...

Hmm...now looking at it ..it's puffy again..too bad no camera now, else can show you. =)

Okie, gotta go, can't remain in one position too long, it's as though blood coagulates there man! byes!

Angel

I was writing a post on monday night. I was reluctant to start it at first. But I went ahead because it would help me just think through stuff...I gave up after a while...and let it go. It went not much anywhere ....So I've left it unposted in my list.

It's pointless talking about other areas. So I'll just talk about one, since it takes up the bulk of our day.

I've not been reacting well at work. But I just have to push on, no matter how I feel about it.

It's not a disastrous thing that has happened. In perspective it's a really good thing. And we all know that no one likes change and we all dislike having to adapt to new things. That I recognise. It didn't happen overnight either and we've been somewhat prepared for it the last 8 months and more so in the last month.

So why in this way? I couldn't for the life of me understand why...old tendencies came up. (Horrible thoughts that would piss others off if they heard it, and I so pissed myself off for hearing myself say it.) And somehow I can't hold on hard enough positive things to push on (partially because of other areas) ...but it became hard again.

It was quite a familiar feeling...but there was something else attached that only dragged me. It pretty much feels like the previous time when my org was changing, big events came up...and we all had to evolve and push on....

Before i go on, I shall say...I will survive and I will persevere. Whatever my end product may be... God knows that we're so busy fighting other demons, that really, I can't see ahead. It is not an excuse, but I have recognised it as a struggle He will slowly work on with me. I hope.

So having been a complete ass (in my dictionary) at work. I was in the lift on the way to an afternoon meeting when it hit me...sometimes, i can't believe i can forget these things. I mean....it would save me a whole lot of pain and heartache if I can recall them fast.. So that I can manage.

But I take it that God is good to allow it to be so forgotten, for He says in His word that we should not dwell on bad things, but set our hearts on the good stuff, speak praiseworthy stuff. Perhaps that's why that even though it may be a bad thing i've realised before, i've somehow managed to forget it!...ahhaha...

So yes...in the lift, I remembered one fact of my life - Long suffering.

OK OK...I hear protests..change is inevitable, everyone hates going through it, so does that mean that we're all longsuffering??!!? hahahaha...=)

I'm not going into self pity here...no, I'm just sharing. =)

To understand how long suffering has to dow ith my work situation I need to share the story...

So this is the story:

As far as I can remember, which is my primary school days, I've always struggled to learn and pick things up. All I recall for primary school was that even when I attended extra revision lessons and there was a quick quiz thereafter, I'd have a very average mark, that left my teacher frowning, becasue she knew I was paying attention.

For secondary school, my memory is clearer, as those were the live or die years. No tuition, no remedial classes. Just your own study time, discipline and time management. I was doing the same workload as my classmates, but I was an all-rounded flunker. Intially, I thought I was just not putting in enough effort. So I put in more hours on extra work. So there birthed my late nights of studying. I tried to do extra assignments, even if it meant that I'd stay up till 3am. (which also coincidentally birthed my love for radio, which was my only late night companion.)

Even with that, I passed my O's on average vs my schoolmates. Perhaps at this point my mum noticed this....but I was oblivious...till I went to JC...and it hit me..well, more like slapped matter of factly in my face, by my principal.

My year one mid terms was a disaster. And that meant a meeting with the P. The carnage following meetings with the P. was very re-knowned and real....and it struck fear and resentment in hearts. But it could lead to spur on sheer determination to prove them all wrong.

I was assesed to be doing what I needed to do to be a good student. but just couldn't give the results. Seems my subject tutors had good things to say about my efforts. I swore I studied and that i put in the time for homework....but but...

That's when I learned that you can't compare yourself to your peers. Others can put in an hour to study one chapter. I'd have to put in 3 hours for the same. Sorry about that. But no worries, you're not the only one in the school. There are others too...so if your friend can go to sleep after revising 2 hours. You can't afford to do the same.

JC was a time I stepped out of my academic shelter and really saw the differences in all my schoolmates, simply becasue my JC meant we came from all walks. And I really had compassion for those that struggled harder than and had it worse off than me. If i had it tough. What about them?

So yes, with that understanding. I pushed, not with a "but i study as hard as them what" attitude. But that I needed to put in the energy and time more than ever....I was not alone in school, like I said...there were those worse off..but we did our best. Some of them didn't make it to Uni....

Sigh..if JC was bad..uni must have been worse right?...yeah..didn't help I picked Engineering. which means. 5 1/2 day weeks, full day in school, with 8 subjects and projects per semester. At least i didn't look on at my classmates and not understand why I couldn't pick it up as fast. Some of my hall mates felt sorry for me...coz i was doing tutorials till 4am...(after hostel activites till 10pm? hahaha...)...and waking up at 8am for the 8.30am lesson....engineering is hell k..it was madness to do it....that is why NTU engineers (from my hearings) are more hardy than the *ahem* other Uni ones and more sought after...hahaha...

I remembered crying after finishing just ONE bloody tutorial question after 4 hours (please note, it was 4am and my entore hostel leve was zzzzing...) and I had 3 questions more to go...of course I asked the better ones for help. Like this one that did the same tutorial in 45-freakin'- minutes....he'd explain the question and answer to me...but it'd take me 2 hours to digest and rationalise out why it was done that way. (the proper way to study mah...)

I had to extend my uni studies and lost my honurs because of this...and my FYP broke my heart too...Thank God I knew God by then...who came by in my 2nd year of uni (and technically subject wise I was still stuck in 1st year....raaarr...)...and told me how much He understood...and He was there...all the way...for everything...He didn't offer me a solution...there was none...except that He loved me. (It was not long after, that the revelation of longsuffering seemed to be the revelation to me from my leaders.)

And like before, there were those that were worse off than me even in Uni...we all pushed hard together...and yes...I did finish before some...

I really understand how it feels and well...not that i'm all crazy about it...but it helped me talk to some younger kids that couldnt' understand why their peers were able to pick up so fast, but they were willing to try....so I encouraged them when they had to put in those insane extra hours that were not needed by others. When I see them online at wee hours of the morning..I know just what they are doing. -- and I don't tell them to go and sleep, or 'dun be so hardworking lah'...but I tell them to pace themselves, take a break and drink more water...to pray for strength...

=)

Woah...that's a long story man...sorry got carried away. But i'm glad I managed to get it all down, (pausing to cry at times...ahahaha)...but yes..

So here we are...back at work...and it adds up...

Hahaha...it just dawned on me that I may have been once seen as stupid and slow all these years...which is so frustrating..but no...I must never ever go there....

In the lift this afternoon...I realised that's what I'm tired about...

Of course, I don't expect myself to pick up my new role so fast...but, I will take longer to process and to pick up...so I need to work harder at it...block out the idiotic voice in my head...fight...day by day...God i promise I will...no way am I going to pity myself...there are those who are worse off ...remember my blessings...

...it intensifies when I can't feel God near...but doesn't mean he ain't there...

Am sure I'll reach there ..well, somewhere there...(like how I scrapped through my education)...just have to push harder ...work more at it...more hours...

I wonder if there will ever be something that I can pick up so fast and be so so good at it...hahaha..sigh...ok ok...not helpful...bad memories....

Haiz...it's 3.20am now...I even take a long time to type out a post..goodness...

I love radio...even now...it's accompanying me...=)

How apt...the radio just started playing Angel by Sarah McLachlan....now you know what I mean by God understands..He knows...

Go rest girl, enough for today....=)

My footie...

Really can't take high impact stuff. So i learned from my Friday night badminton. I was fine straight after...but two hours later, i was squeaking... (considering i only played for 10-15minutes lor)

Then saturday morning I was creaking! Hahahaha...But all is well. Am back to slight squeaks, but that's norm. =)

Saturday, after several hours back in the office, I made it just in time to watch Julie and Julia at Kallang. It seemed like the only decent show at a decent time. hee...also, kallang after 10pm = free parking outdoor + don't need to book seat online even on a weekend. (a little like balestier), but with free parking..muahahaha...

I'm gald to say that filmgarde has improved their popcorn..especially sweet flavour..they msut ahve realised they are losing patrons due to the poor state of food!

It's a nice show. based on the book by Julie Powell. It's on two true stories. So yes..it's a drama, but had it's very good and funny moments. so much so, that i burst out laughing in 'my way' lah hor....hehehe...and still sniggered long after the scene changed. 2 hours long...

Ironically, one of the stories is about a girl who has hit her 30th birthday...and she's crowded out and belittledby her successful friends. =)

But overall, the kind of show that you feel was worth the moolah.

Oh...ya...talking about movies, the previous weekend, i watched Imagine That with the CG at Illuma, bugis.

1) The movie by eddie murphy was good, funny and very heartwarming. makes you want to have a dad. I think it must have been a show made for fathers' day in the states. The story line was suprisingly unique, though of course, the ending had to be a predictable feel good one...but the plot..was a nice touch.

2) Illuma -- for the new building that it is ...it is a COMPLETE disgrace...my god..i've never seen a buiding that wastes so much space, dark, dinghy...and very very dirty. For a new building, the paint was chipping off the doors to the toilet. The passageways were stale...the toilet was half lit. and had loo roll all over the floor...wet...and dirty...yucks!

The lift was dimly lit. with handprints and smears inside the lift...yeeew...gross man...grosss...

i felt as though I was in some old god forsaken shopping building..

And the colours they picked..=S...what were they thinking!

Never again!

Just had a good laugh

Watching some videos on Kumar. Yes, Singapore's Kumar. I really think he's very funny.

And he's a very positive guy that beat many odds. I later watched 3 videos where he shared about his life from young, through NS and how he go to where he is today, called 'Truth or Dare'

Really good words of advise to all who struggle with self esteem. =)

Was reading this article online which is an ABC news interview. Which speaks positively about him too. =) http://abcnews.go.com/International/story?id=4263016&page=1