Battles...aplenty...

I just read through my last post and realise I seldom rant so hard on work...but that's the reality of it... and I wonder how much more I can take. But these are reactives and they are just that - reactives.

Deep inside, I sense perennial fear and doubt that I beat down every other second with the sole truth that my God is faithful, He will help me and He will bring it to pass. He ONLY has good plans for me.

My cgl asked me about my birthday wish a month ago and it was plainly about my vocation at work. Really, I look at the things on hand and to come...and many times I don't know how to even approach things...everything is so new...and there is really NO precedence, yet every thing has to be professional. With the macro ideas/ instructions moving from my boss to me...the digestion is the hardest and then the mirco-ing it down to the team is lined with time-lines, monitoring, deadlines and expectation management.

I have to at times be cold, firm, to teach and to NOT be nice all the time, else we'd all die. I hate doing that...I so do...but if things aren't moving, it ain't to anyone's benefit!!!!

With things all so new, it has to be digested fast...and if only - instantly! Sigh... the learning curve is steep and crappy. Coz just when I thought I figured it out and pass the task down to the staff... they come back a few minutes later with 5 valid questions/ decisions I need to make and I'm like thinking 'Oh sh**'...and can only say I'll think about it and get back to them. It is frustrating because all tasks can't be delayed.

And in the wider scope of all the moving parts, I know it's moving somewhere...but is it moving fast enough!?! is every component moving well and fast enough such that things will go smoothly??!!....Sigh...

Beyond that, its people management too. I think about how my staff are doing, are they learning, are they OK...are we sending them for the right training...Are they happy, will they leave?...Do i need more welfare and recreation for them? ...how to motivate them?..Are they at their potential? Am I pushing too hard or not hard enough?...I wonder when i give them work or instructions that at times I find myself unsure, are they rolling their eyes internally and think 'What the...man...my manager sucks'. =) It's quite amusing but I'm serious...

Then there's costs..how to reduce it...crap lah, I even think about the paper that we photocopy or print on can!?

*deep breath*

To quote my boss, its the necessary baptism of fire...and i know he's working hard too...and i probably do ALL OF THE ABOVE to him...=( *whacks self*

I guess in some ways its the same for Ge toos...she really needs a significant break soon (a proper one!)...and I pray God constantly fills her with all she needs, to not just get through it, but to emerge out of all this -- stronger, complete and closer to Him.

... and then...

my heart is starting to get heavy on other things too...thinking and wondering..analysing and assuring...checking if regrets have found their way in me...and if i'm heading the right way...keeping tears in check and hope that I haven't lost myself somewhere along the way... (yes, it is tormenting...and God knows...i'm never emotionally kind to myself..hahaha

Hmmm...looks like today I can't end in my battle stance...LOL...just too spent...

The last thing I make myself think before i fall asleep the past few days is the one about " My peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you..." --- something along that line lah...Can't remember the exact verse...

Yep...that's it for now....

OMG...

Ge just msn me and she's in the midst of doing her meeting minutes now...win liaoz...but what can i say..I'm guilty of working mad hours too...hahahaha..

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Byes!