Burying...

There are some blog posts I type...and type and write how I feel. The confusion and conflict I feel inside of me. Then I sit back at some point, read through it...and save it as a draft, never to post it. Maybe it's a way to help me make it all go away and posting it is an acknowledgement that its here to stay. I know, there's no such thing. But when you feel the way I do, you just don't want to fight these stupid thoughts with reasoning. - coz life has enough complications doesn't it?

There's a part of me that tells me not to make a big deal out of things in my life -- there's always someone else worse of/in a deeper shit than the life that I'm having. I try to count my blessings and remember that I've got opportunities that many would like to have too. I grew up thinking this way just to make each day pass a little easier, and I guess that developed in me an auto-response to listen to others problems more.

Much has cumulated in my life, especially feelings, that dangerously pile up into struggles and resentment. The danger with me is that it's so latent, I dont' realise the warning level it has reached, until I reach a 'face-it' or 'suffer' point. That is, God comes over lovingly and tries to work it out with me.. because he'll take the time to run through lessons with me and manage inside battles.

I've stopped apologising as much to Him, for being this way, because He assured me that it's not my fault coz it's ingrained in me by circumstance. An ironic thing He had to tell me coz I think wallowing in self pity brings nothing. But He needs me to be selfish so that He can show me...to see in order to understand...

Too much trauma....too much uncertainty...too many choices...it was all i knew then...
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For those that know me, I'll tell you not to let what other's think of you/ say about you dictate your life, because at the end of the day, you'll have to see yourself when you look in the mirror. Otherwise, years on, you'll wonder who you are and really, that's worse. But of course, if you're sold and ready for the change, go for it...but don't let their expectations have a rule over you. It's the expectation you have of yourself. And if you're a Christian, please remember to include God in the ride. =P

Hahaha...thinking back, that's probably the reason for my perceived rebel side when I argued matter of factly with those that try to corner or I simply walk away from them, becasue they do not understand.

It's something I try to live by coz I cannot afford to regret my choices. Therein lies the problem too...

In the past year, it has grown harder for me to balance the above. Which leaves me in alot of conflict. It's a combination of self expectation, the stupid background noise of reality and the growing reponsibilities as an adult that sprout like damned fungus overnight!!! ....and becomes a sort of colony in several weeks...haiz...

Righto..that's all for today. These are hard things to write...haha..