Angel

I was writing a post on monday night. I was reluctant to start it at first. But I went ahead because it would help me just think through stuff...I gave up after a while...and let it go. It went not much anywhere ....So I've left it unposted in my list.

It's pointless talking about other areas. So I'll just talk about one, since it takes up the bulk of our day.

I've not been reacting well at work. But I just have to push on, no matter how I feel about it.

It's not a disastrous thing that has happened. In perspective it's a really good thing. And we all know that no one likes change and we all dislike having to adapt to new things. That I recognise. It didn't happen overnight either and we've been somewhat prepared for it the last 8 months and more so in the last month.

So why in this way? I couldn't for the life of me understand why...old tendencies came up. (Horrible thoughts that would piss others off if they heard it, and I so pissed myself off for hearing myself say it.) And somehow I can't hold on hard enough positive things to push on (partially because of other areas) ...but it became hard again.

It was quite a familiar feeling...but there was something else attached that only dragged me. It pretty much feels like the previous time when my org was changing, big events came up...and we all had to evolve and push on....

Before i go on, I shall say...I will survive and I will persevere. Whatever my end product may be... God knows that we're so busy fighting other demons, that really, I can't see ahead. It is not an excuse, but I have recognised it as a struggle He will slowly work on with me. I hope.

So having been a complete ass (in my dictionary) at work. I was in the lift on the way to an afternoon meeting when it hit me...sometimes, i can't believe i can forget these things. I mean....it would save me a whole lot of pain and heartache if I can recall them fast.. So that I can manage.

But I take it that God is good to allow it to be so forgotten, for He says in His word that we should not dwell on bad things, but set our hearts on the good stuff, speak praiseworthy stuff. Perhaps that's why that even though it may be a bad thing i've realised before, i've somehow managed to forget it!...ahhaha...

So yes...in the lift, I remembered one fact of my life - Long suffering.

OK OK...I hear protests..change is inevitable, everyone hates going through it, so does that mean that we're all longsuffering??!!? hahahaha...=)

I'm not going into self pity here...no, I'm just sharing. =)

To understand how long suffering has to dow ith my work situation I need to share the story...

So this is the story:

As far as I can remember, which is my primary school days, I've always struggled to learn and pick things up. All I recall for primary school was that even when I attended extra revision lessons and there was a quick quiz thereafter, I'd have a very average mark, that left my teacher frowning, becasue she knew I was paying attention.

For secondary school, my memory is clearer, as those were the live or die years. No tuition, no remedial classes. Just your own study time, discipline and time management. I was doing the same workload as my classmates, but I was an all-rounded flunker. Intially, I thought I was just not putting in enough effort. So I put in more hours on extra work. So there birthed my late nights of studying. I tried to do extra assignments, even if it meant that I'd stay up till 3am. (which also coincidentally birthed my love for radio, which was my only late night companion.)

Even with that, I passed my O's on average vs my schoolmates. Perhaps at this point my mum noticed this....but I was oblivious...till I went to JC...and it hit me..well, more like slapped matter of factly in my face, by my principal.

My year one mid terms was a disaster. And that meant a meeting with the P. The carnage following meetings with the P. was very re-knowned and real....and it struck fear and resentment in hearts. But it could lead to spur on sheer determination to prove them all wrong.

I was assesed to be doing what I needed to do to be a good student. but just couldn't give the results. Seems my subject tutors had good things to say about my efforts. I swore I studied and that i put in the time for homework....but but...

That's when I learned that you can't compare yourself to your peers. Others can put in an hour to study one chapter. I'd have to put in 3 hours for the same. Sorry about that. But no worries, you're not the only one in the school. There are others too...so if your friend can go to sleep after revising 2 hours. You can't afford to do the same.

JC was a time I stepped out of my academic shelter and really saw the differences in all my schoolmates, simply becasue my JC meant we came from all walks. And I really had compassion for those that struggled harder than and had it worse off than me. If i had it tough. What about them?

So yes, with that understanding. I pushed, not with a "but i study as hard as them what" attitude. But that I needed to put in the energy and time more than ever....I was not alone in school, like I said...there were those worse off..but we did our best. Some of them didn't make it to Uni....

Sigh..if JC was bad..uni must have been worse right?...yeah..didn't help I picked Engineering. which means. 5 1/2 day weeks, full day in school, with 8 subjects and projects per semester. At least i didn't look on at my classmates and not understand why I couldn't pick it up as fast. Some of my hall mates felt sorry for me...coz i was doing tutorials till 4am...(after hostel activites till 10pm? hahaha...)...and waking up at 8am for the 8.30am lesson....engineering is hell k..it was madness to do it....that is why NTU engineers (from my hearings) are more hardy than the *ahem* other Uni ones and more sought after...hahaha...

I remembered crying after finishing just ONE bloody tutorial question after 4 hours (please note, it was 4am and my entore hostel leve was zzzzing...) and I had 3 questions more to go...of course I asked the better ones for help. Like this one that did the same tutorial in 45-freakin'- minutes....he'd explain the question and answer to me...but it'd take me 2 hours to digest and rationalise out why it was done that way. (the proper way to study mah...)

I had to extend my uni studies and lost my honurs because of this...and my FYP broke my heart too...Thank God I knew God by then...who came by in my 2nd year of uni (and technically subject wise I was still stuck in 1st year....raaarr...)...and told me how much He understood...and He was there...all the way...for everything...He didn't offer me a solution...there was none...except that He loved me. (It was not long after, that the revelation of longsuffering seemed to be the revelation to me from my leaders.)

And like before, there were those that were worse off than me even in Uni...we all pushed hard together...and yes...I did finish before some...

I really understand how it feels and well...not that i'm all crazy about it...but it helped me talk to some younger kids that couldnt' understand why their peers were able to pick up so fast, but they were willing to try....so I encouraged them when they had to put in those insane extra hours that were not needed by others. When I see them online at wee hours of the morning..I know just what they are doing. -- and I don't tell them to go and sleep, or 'dun be so hardworking lah'...but I tell them to pace themselves, take a break and drink more water...to pray for strength...

=)

Woah...that's a long story man...sorry got carried away. But i'm glad I managed to get it all down, (pausing to cry at times...ahahaha)...but yes..

So here we are...back at work...and it adds up...

Hahaha...it just dawned on me that I may have been once seen as stupid and slow all these years...which is so frustrating..but no...I must never ever go there....

In the lift this afternoon...I realised that's what I'm tired about...

Of course, I don't expect myself to pick up my new role so fast...but, I will take longer to process and to pick up...so I need to work harder at it...block out the idiotic voice in my head...fight...day by day...God i promise I will...no way am I going to pity myself...there are those who are worse off ...remember my blessings...

...it intensifies when I can't feel God near...but doesn't mean he ain't there...

Am sure I'll reach there ..well, somewhere there...(like how I scrapped through my education)...just have to push harder ...work more at it...more hours...

I wonder if there will ever be something that I can pick up so fast and be so so good at it...hahaha..sigh...ok ok...not helpful...bad memories....

Haiz...it's 3.20am now...I even take a long time to type out a post..goodness...

I love radio...even now...it's accompanying me...=)

How apt...the radio just started playing Angel by Sarah McLachlan....now you know what I mean by God understands..He knows...

Go rest girl, enough for today....=)