I changed my music selection to something even slower...but still my favourites. My office laptop can't seem to log on to the online local radio stations. So i turn to my blog for music. I work best with music. It's been this way all my life...haha..
which reminds me of the time (which i'm sure you all experience) is my mum telling me to turn off the radio or get off my walkman when i'm doing work. She can't understand how the mind can concentrate and study...hahaha...
Obviously she lost the battle. Because right into my final years in uni, this never changed. However, I have to admit to one thing. I can't memorise anything with music on, especially if it's songs i know. hahaha...tendency to drift and think of the lyrics...hee....
But I when it comes to practice, work and tutorials...music is my fuel...=) in fact it keeps me focused instead of considering the option of watching tv or the urge to just lie on the bed for a while. To take a break, i sit on the chair, close my eyes, and give myself 'one song' as the allotted time and i'm back to work! Ironic isn't it? =)
*speaking in hushed tones*
Just to update you, I believe my foot is recovering. Though it's still swollen, the intensity of the pain has gone down abit. Why am I whispering?...i know this sounds crazy...but i believe my foot has a mind of it's own..hahaha...once i start saying it's getting better, it tends to yo-yo and go back to it's former state!!!...hahaha...
I'm still giving my electric therapy a chance. Been going daily as required. If it doesn't work, can't be blamed for not following the rules right? Hee...So i started on monday...today is sunday. 7 days back to back! =) for the sheer fun of it, i call them my electrocution sessions...MUAHAHA...it's great to sound sadistic...=P
Last Thursday night was pretty rough for me. Was in a heaving puddle of snot and tears for about and hour. A form of hell broke loose within me....and every part of me rebelled, fought and wanted to throw in the towel. I constantly toggled between defiance to God and simply surrendering.....the mind recognised but the heart despised. Bowl was on the phone with me...but she could only do so much. though I'm thankful she prayed for me over the phone. =)
The situation with my healing foot had taken it's toll on me and it didn't help that my ineffectiveness at work was causing stress to linger in the backyard of my mind.
I didn't know what to do, how to do...or even do anything at all...how long to wait. Was i missing something out? Was i praying enough? What's he trying to tell me? And even in waiting... to go on positively in my life? --- that is really the biggest challenge and i have learned to admire those that ARE positive and go through an illness...the things that go through your mind can truly hurt you.
I'm not being spoilt..and many a time, i think of those less well off than me, to keep me in place. But there comes a time, such mental battles can only do so much. =)
Angela called it a 'catharsis' --- i had to look that one up...hahaha...new word for the day. But she was right. I really needed that.
I realised something new too....
Natural encouragers are the hardest people to encourage when they are down. =) because they are not usually pessimistic, they know all the "key things/ words that should be said in a XYZ situation"....thus..believe me...they have probably said it to themselves many a time before you even say it...hahaha...because they seldom have the middle depressive state (covered up by all the positivity), you probably encountered them when they hit rock bottom....thus they are the hardest to help 'lift up'....and you have to be patient with them..and work alot alot alot harder!! LOL!...most friends at this point would probably be sick of hearing them repeat and mope time and again...haha...rock-bottom remember?
One thing...never run away when you see them in this state. It will shock you and scare you away, coz it's something you're not used to seeing in them. But who were you to assume that they are all "smiles and sunflowers" daily?...hahaha...
In good timing and love, such people get back on their feet (er..no pun intended)...slightly tougher...but quite quickly, because they are by nature positive ..=)
Ok ok....the above analysis has no Freudian backing or psychological study...hahaha...but this is my blog mah!!!!!!! =P
OMG!!! look at the time! and tomorrow is a work day...*wails*....
god should make weekends have 48hours and weekdays 24hours...hahaha...=)
Monday, 30 June 2008
Wednesday, 25 June 2008
Waiting to shower...
My sis is showering now...told her to go ahead first, because I'll take longer. Would want to soak my footie into warm water. =) so i though i'll take the opportunity to add an entry.
yesterday i started my first session on this electric theraphy for me foot. Thought to try it out isnce it supposedly cured this guy of his gout in a week. 15 free half hour sessions - having to sit there and put my foot on this machine that heats up the soles of my feet...basically sending bolts through my body....I dont' feel shocks...But just that the heat on the soles can be quite unbearable.
One of the recovery symptoms was that it would hurt more...and yes..it did! i couldn't put my foot down last night. it was as though it got worse! this morning it was very strained and i chose not to go to work. because it would be a struggle with the pain.
Still i went for another session today. How do i feel? not as bad as yesterday but not any better...sigh...
Tomorrow i will try having a go at it for a full hour.=)
There were quite a number of people there. they are nice lah....but one thing i really can't stand is to constantly have to tell people what it is when they ask...=S everyday it's different people!!
then when i'm on crutches and walking the streets, bored people watching will ask me if i fell...even the cab uncle wont' leave me alone..imagine..eveytime i take a cab...they ask me...then after that they will have this 'wisdom' and start sharing stories, and start making assumptions on what i like to eat etc.
So far all these days, the people whom i meet have said some of the following foods -- pig intestine, wine, peanuts, seafood, prawn, shellfish, pork, spinach, cauliflower. liver, broccoli, crab, beef --- these were thier own trigger foods ... none of them apply to me. But what to do?....i simply humour them...and give the same answer...."yes, i know...but it's not my problem. I do not have a trigger food."
It's precisely with these busybodies whom I know just care that irritate the hell out of me!!!!
Worse are those that say i should lose weight...try doing that in my condition --> not helpful.
sigh...
It's hard to stay positive when people bug you and you can't run..hahaha...ah well...today in the session, some of them were talking about having a positive mindset and keep believing you'll recover...
hmm...i try everyday really...I've forgotten how tiring it can be, and slipping into depression is the easiest thing. I believe I'm far from self pity, else I'll be crying every night.
But I'm simply frustrated that it's like a yo-yo and not recovering!! Growl...most nights i talk to my footie...telling it to get well and don't' give trouble...=)
The hardest is when it's late at night, and it hurts so much, you're awake and crying. There's no one to talk to to distract you...and even watching a video can only do so much...it's those times that feel the longest and that you just want it to be over...you come close to bargaining and begging god to take the pain away...and imagine bad things so that you can vent your energy on them to give you reprieve...you grit your teeth and close your eyes...occassionally glancing at the clock...falling in and out of consciousness and waiting for morning to come when your body is just too tired and you'll jsut fall asleep no matter how painful it is...
I lie in bed and think about going to the beach and walking on the sand...about watching any movie and eating hotdog and nachos. I wonder how much city hall and orchard has changed. i wonder how fashion has changed...I think about church and the new songs the congregation is singing...i think about prayer meetings...i think about the cg and how we always can't decide where to go after service and wonder if it is still the same...haha..I think about walking home with my good friend and just talking....I imagine myself in NYDC, Olio Dome, -- anywhere really...having appetising food and equally satisfying desserts...
...And of ocurse I think about where I went wrong to be in this state for so long...i was very careful -- i'm serious...previous times, i knew where i went wrong but still it recovered in a week...now...hmm...
alrite, i have to go...
yesterday i started my first session on this electric theraphy for me foot. Thought to try it out isnce it supposedly cured this guy of his gout in a week. 15 free half hour sessions - having to sit there and put my foot on this machine that heats up the soles of my feet...basically sending bolts through my body....I dont' feel shocks...But just that the heat on the soles can be quite unbearable.
One of the recovery symptoms was that it would hurt more...and yes..it did! i couldn't put my foot down last night. it was as though it got worse! this morning it was very strained and i chose not to go to work. because it would be a struggle with the pain.
Still i went for another session today. How do i feel? not as bad as yesterday but not any better...sigh...
Tomorrow i will try having a go at it for a full hour.=)
There were quite a number of people there. they are nice lah....but one thing i really can't stand is to constantly have to tell people what it is when they ask...=S everyday it's different people!!
then when i'm on crutches and walking the streets, bored people watching will ask me if i fell...even the cab uncle wont' leave me alone..imagine..eveytime i take a cab...they ask me...then after that they will have this 'wisdom' and start sharing stories, and start making assumptions on what i like to eat etc.
So far all these days, the people whom i meet have said some of the following foods -- pig intestine, wine, peanuts, seafood, prawn, shellfish, pork, spinach, cauliflower. liver, broccoli, crab, beef --- these were thier own trigger foods ... none of them apply to me. But what to do?....i simply humour them...and give the same answer...."yes, i know...but it's not my problem. I do not have a trigger food."
It's precisely with these busybodies whom I know just care that irritate the hell out of me!!!!
Worse are those that say i should lose weight...try doing that in my condition --> not helpful.
sigh...
It's hard to stay positive when people bug you and you can't run..hahaha...ah well...today in the session, some of them were talking about having a positive mindset and keep believing you'll recover...
hmm...i try everyday really...I've forgotten how tiring it can be, and slipping into depression is the easiest thing. I believe I'm far from self pity, else I'll be crying every night.
But I'm simply frustrated that it's like a yo-yo and not recovering!! Growl...most nights i talk to my footie...telling it to get well and don't' give trouble...=)
The hardest is when it's late at night, and it hurts so much, you're awake and crying. There's no one to talk to to distract you...and even watching a video can only do so much...it's those times that feel the longest and that you just want it to be over...you come close to bargaining and begging god to take the pain away...and imagine bad things so that you can vent your energy on them to give you reprieve...you grit your teeth and close your eyes...occassionally glancing at the clock...falling in and out of consciousness and waiting for morning to come when your body is just too tired and you'll jsut fall asleep no matter how painful it is...
I lie in bed and think about going to the beach and walking on the sand...about watching any movie and eating hotdog and nachos. I wonder how much city hall and orchard has changed. i wonder how fashion has changed...I think about church and the new songs the congregation is singing...i think about prayer meetings...i think about the cg and how we always can't decide where to go after service and wonder if it is still the same...haha..I think about walking home with my good friend and just talking....I imagine myself in NYDC, Olio Dome, -- anywhere really...having appetising food and equally satisfying desserts...
...And of ocurse I think about where I went wrong to be in this state for so long...i was very careful -- i'm serious...previous times, i knew where i went wrong but still it recovered in a week...now...hmm...
alrite, i have to go...
Sunday, 22 June 2008
Whooooppeeee!!!
It is now 4.09am Singapore Time.(early sunday morning) I can't help thinking that it is friday night (because we worked full day today)....thus the need to 'chiong' the night with activities.
Ok ok...i can't 'chiong' with my foot in this condition, but i did some research and reading online. =)
It has been a long time since I last blogged proper. Sorry,... to be dead honest, i was partially waiting for me to heal, in fear that in my situation, the emotional baggage of going through this would naturally start rearing its ugly head!
I haven't recovered yet. But today,...hmm...I feel it's safe! =) And i'm ok to face things again.
Update on my car is -- It's coming next week! haiz...i think i may need to get someone to deliver it to me...the amount i need to pay is boggling man...on top of that, I need to fork out my first installment and soon the insurance as well -- and whatever here and there that has not been paid! Well, it is official then, my car will be the first time i'll be taking a loan in my life!...wooohooo...(dont' as me what with the chirpy tone...it's just me today..hahaha..)
Oh...Holland just scored and are drawing with Russia as i type..1-1!...hmm...i don't really track this round of Euro, but holland has been the favourite since thier impressive start games. It is surprising to see them 1-0 down to russia.
Today is my Assn's annual bowling tournament.=) Of course as with all my other events, i'm glad it's over. This year i wasn't so hands on...only planning and making sure certain things were in place/ the ball had started rolling and i could hand the checklist over to El to run. i think it was a good experience for her and things went as well as it could. Now with the total manpower strength increasing 100% since the last tourney, it indeed makes a difference.
Of course there were times i was stressed. -- it is still my responsibility!! Angela was on the sidelines reminding me not to get stressed...LOL...coz it makes my footy worse. =( haiya...until you run events, thre's never a moments peace! My boss was soooo 'comforting'...asked me what was wrong...(seeing my serious look) ...I said i'm trying to think if there's anythgin i've missed out....he said..at this time, there is nothing you can do...!!?!?...i think he got me wrong. (but i 'love' him enuff not to throttle him on the spot..ahhaha) You see, certain things are tiems sensitive even during an event. ie. tracking when certain things are happenign and ensuring that I'm ready when those activities are taking place. And if I'm not ready, i better start doing so....even while the event is running in the background.
=)..i'm rambling!..this is good...haiz...my foot..yes..it toook away my voice. =P
there were KFC meals distributed today. I'm happy that we could eat together side by side. I think it's impt we bond as a org these days. Expanding ain't easy...especially when i hope that everyone here will take pride in thier work and think for the associaton. I believe it helps bring us closer and work for the common goal. =) yes we work, but i want us to play while we work...=)
Me boss was making the effort to be ard too...poor guy, been going through a tough time with his daughter in hospital and himself with a flu too. he lost weight in a span of a week!!!
Though it was all largely work...Angela and me got to talking about how we're faring where we are...and the perceptions and plans we had for her prior to her joining the org...hahaha...and how God put everything....and i tell you it is really EVERYTHING together...=) it's interesting how i'm so open with her?...LOL...seriously...=P
i even told her flat out that i was learning how to 'read' her...haha...i mean how many people do you say that to?...most people would be unhappy to hear such news...but here she has the upper hand coz she has a poker face!!! sigh...
I should train her for the upcomign IR..indeed it will be a good investment!..hahaha...=)
Alrite i should go...I'll try to put up some bowling pics..and you can have a face to the names soooooonnnnnnnnnn!!!!!
OMG!! russia scored again...in overtime...oh my...there will be many sad orange faces....
Ok ok...i can't 'chiong' with my foot in this condition, but i did some research and reading online. =)
It has been a long time since I last blogged proper. Sorry,... to be dead honest, i was partially waiting for me to heal, in fear that in my situation, the emotional baggage of going through this would naturally start rearing its ugly head!
I haven't recovered yet. But today,...hmm...I feel it's safe! =) And i'm ok to face things again.
Update on my car is -- It's coming next week! haiz...i think i may need to get someone to deliver it to me...the amount i need to pay is boggling man...on top of that, I need to fork out my first installment and soon the insurance as well -- and whatever here and there that has not been paid! Well, it is official then, my car will be the first time i'll be taking a loan in my life!...wooohooo...(dont' as me what with the chirpy tone...it's just me today..hahaha..)
Oh...Holland just scored and are drawing with Russia as i type..1-1!...hmm...i don't really track this round of Euro, but holland has been the favourite since thier impressive start games. It is surprising to see them 1-0 down to russia.
Today is my Assn's annual bowling tournament.=) Of course as with all my other events, i'm glad it's over. This year i wasn't so hands on...only planning and making sure certain things were in place/ the ball had started rolling and i could hand the checklist over to El to run. i think it was a good experience for her and things went as well as it could. Now with the total manpower strength increasing 100% since the last tourney, it indeed makes a difference.
Of course there were times i was stressed. -- it is still my responsibility!! Angela was on the sidelines reminding me not to get stressed...LOL...coz it makes my footy worse. =( haiya...until you run events, thre's never a moments peace! My boss was soooo 'comforting'...asked me what was wrong...(seeing my serious look) ...I said i'm trying to think if there's anythgin i've missed out....he said..at this time, there is nothing you can do...!!?!?...i think he got me wrong. (but i 'love' him enuff not to throttle him on the spot..ahhaha) You see, certain things are tiems sensitive even during an event. ie. tracking when certain things are happenign and ensuring that I'm ready when those activities are taking place. And if I'm not ready, i better start doing so....even while the event is running in the background.
=)..i'm rambling!..this is good...haiz...my foot..yes..it toook away my voice. =P
there were KFC meals distributed today. I'm happy that we could eat together side by side. I think it's impt we bond as a org these days. Expanding ain't easy...especially when i hope that everyone here will take pride in thier work and think for the associaton. I believe it helps bring us closer and work for the common goal. =) yes we work, but i want us to play while we work...=)
Me boss was making the effort to be ard too...poor guy, been going through a tough time with his daughter in hospital and himself with a flu too. he lost weight in a span of a week!!!
Though it was all largely work...Angela and me got to talking about how we're faring where we are...and the perceptions and plans we had for her prior to her joining the org...hahaha...and how God put everything....and i tell you it is really EVERYTHING together...=) it's interesting how i'm so open with her?...LOL...seriously...=P
i even told her flat out that i was learning how to 'read' her...haha...i mean how many people do you say that to?...most people would be unhappy to hear such news...but here she has the upper hand coz she has a poker face!!! sigh...
I should train her for the upcomign IR..indeed it will be a good investment!..hahaha...=)
Alrite i should go...I'll try to put up some bowling pics..and you can have a face to the names soooooonnnnnnnnnn!!!!!
OMG!! russia scored again...in overtime...oh my...there will be many sad orange faces....
Friday, 20 June 2008
Still hobbling...
Am on crtuches these days...=(
today is the one month anniversary!! Sniffs...
oh well...but i'm really grateful and thankful for my colleagues who have given me love, support and prayer! =)
today is the one month anniversary!! Sniffs...
oh well...but i'm really grateful and thankful for my colleagues who have given me love, support and prayer! =)
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